Massage!

Day 2.

Thais do this massage thing -you know, where they try to kill you whilst laughing and you're supposed to call it pleasure. If you havn't had one then I suggest you try it. Me and the Memsahib have just had one from Wat Pho, the massive temple complex in central Bangkok (they have a massage school, ya know). I'm afraid that for me it wasn't that good this time. But the effects of a good massage can be amazing and make you feel ten feet tall! So how do you go about getting a decent massage?

Step 1. Find the right place. This is notoriously difficult. Unless you are introduced to a place by someone else then you might have to wander around town, march up and down stairs, in and out of shop doors looking for that... that place that is just right for you. In the same way that one eatery couldn't hope to meet every demand, so one massage place could not be equally suitable for all. And they should be dedicated to what they do in order to do it well. This links nicely to...

Step 2. How much do you want to spend? If you go on holiday to a Thai resort packed with Russians and Arabs then the likelihood is you'll be paying more than US$100 for an hour of prodding and poking, sniffing patchouli and ylang-ylang and feel no better (and maybe even worse for it). Think of what you consider the right price for someone to spend their good time working out the weariness of your flabby muscles: in Thailand something in the region of ฿200-400 (US$6-12) for an hour's work might be pretty good going, whereas in Hong Kong HK$200 is nice and cheap. You might, however, not like the surroundings much. And this brings us nicely to...

Step 3. Luxury. There have been times where I have thought I was going to get a decent, indulgent massage only to find out the place stinks or is tawdry or in other ways the experience becomes more of an endurance. I suppose the proof of the pudding is only in the eating and the price should match the delivery. Do you want to feel like a prince/princess, then consider paying royal prices. Otherwise don't moan if you're paying bottom dollar.

Step 4. Therapy. A few years ago I put my back out picking up a particularly heavy shop till receipt. I had to fly back to Hong Kong that day and was in sciatic agony for days. I plucked up the courage to go to Sara's Thai in Sai Kung (+852 27923172). She instantly knew where the problem was, beat the crap outta me (that's how it felt) whilst laughing a lot at my discomfiture and demanded I return for more within two days. Getting up off the table I instantly felt 50% of the back pain had subsided and within a week it had completely gone –hallelujah! The moral of this story is that massage bloody works, but only if done by someone who clearly knows what they're doing. Within the first minute it should be possible to tell if you are about to waste your money on a meaningless sleepytime or come out en-crippled. The Greeks considered that a doctor didn't know doodly-squat if he didn't also know the art of massage and Hippocrites, who wrote a lot about it, thought this could only be properly developed over time –the longer the better. Barring darts players, it would be difficult to imagine an athlete being successful without a full-time masseuse? Even animals like it as this Youtube footage clearly proves.

Oh, and one last thing –don't piss them off. I had a massage in Bangkok a few years ago, quibbled about over-charging and before I left was provided with a little drink of hot, yellow salty tea -or was it wee-wee? Certainly smelt like wee-wee: I mean, I couldn't finish it...