Richard Peters -in the Sai Kung Country Park

Euphemise Your Way to Freedom!

I must confess being a little not myself the other day: I had a dose of the trots¹, the urgency of which was measured by the number of rapid Turkish two-steps² (why Turkish?) that would ensure I got to a place of safety³ before what had hitherto been innocent blasts on the trouser trumpet⁴ would this time result in a untimely Brad⁵ in me jocks⁶. Needless to say, I only just got there before I fartoodeetood⁷, emptied like a magician's hanky⁸ before the final kakatoa⁹ that would signify all the shoes had fallen out of the loft¹⁰.

I use the above delicate description as an intellectual means of introduction to the wonderful world of euphemism. This much-overlooked genre of informal talk has actually been much-researched and in the most thorough fashion. Without them our lives would, of course, be much the poorer. For although the absence of euphemistic references to parts and functions of our bodies, to work and business, medicine and sickness, sport, sex, crime and punishment, race and ethnicity, war and even death might result in a much nobler, and straighter appreciation of our lives, it would also result in a stilted language, an eternally formal means of address that would be of far less interest, not to mention far less funny. Simply put, where would we be if no-one flew off the handle¹¹ for being given the old heave-ho¹², or if no-one bit the bullet¹³ and then went to sleep in Jesus?¹⁴

Many might look down their noses¹⁵ at euphemisms and idioms and attempt to snobbishly give them a bit of a wide berth¹⁶ for fear of causing offence, whether perceived or real. But they, along with puns, appear to have been with us since the beginnings of language. Complex syntax, in particular, lends itself very nicely to  complex creativity. In general, euphemisms utilize the substituting of simple, innocent words with those loaded with allusion, ambiguity and double entendres. It is obvious that Shakespeare particularly enjoyed describing the efficacy of women's weapons¹⁷ or the delicious picture evoked by the beast with two backs¹⁸!

To be precise, euphemisms can be classified as abstractions or ambiguities (bun in the oven¹⁹), indirections (being in the altogether²⁰), mispronunciations (feck!²¹), litotes (being economical with the truth²²), changing nouns to modifiers (to be letched after²³), names and slang expressions (Mr Bond²⁴). Political Correctness, itself a euphemism, whilst seeking to remove the cutting edge of many of language's more unkind pejorative references, has been guilty of adding some hilarious contempt-inviting examples: 'wheelchair' being substituted with Personal Anti-Challenge Enablement Vehicle.

On the whole, it appears that men employ more euphemisms than women -who may even protest that they find them crude, off-putting and sometimes completely unfunny. It might be that women will not include them in their speech anywhere near as much lest the impression is created that they approval of vulgarity and, by implication, that they are somewhat unrefined and immodest. Indeed, if women include euphemisms, they may be more polite and less-sophisticated substitutions that possibly reflect more innocent experiences in childhood or child-related issues (front bottom for vagina, little fireman for penis). It appears that women may just prefer straight-talking -please correct me if I am wrong.

We may, however, unconsciously employ brakes with regard to exactly what can be said. This is largely dependent upon where and with whom we find ourselves: in polite company, with the vicar, upon meeting royalty or lecturing at the women's institute, euphemistic utterances will be considerably less direct or, at best, less risqué. In such circumstances, clever use of euphemisms, however, may sometimes go un-detected by those less on the ball²⁵ -that's a demonstration of real skill. After all, being caught doing your business²⁶ on the bishop's lawn could result in a fate worse than death!²⁷

Jehovah's Witnesses, God bless 'em, are specifically instructed not to use euphemisms.

Any compendium of euphemisms, acronyms, idioms (of which there are about 25,000 in English alone) and slang terms will always be a work in progress. It must also be cautionary: some cannot distinguish the line between a colourful peppering of juxtaposed adjectives and nouns and a vulgar stream of obscenities, between inventive invective and slanderous slur, between jocular xenophobia and blatant racism. Ill-thought adolescent explosions of sweary profanity are usually unfunny, embarrassing and quickly forgotten (unless you are another spotty adolescent), whereas carefully chosen euphemisms may keep the listener amused for eternity -such as discussing Uganda.²⁸

Euphemisms are also codes of reference and subterfuges of meaning that often follow the rule that the longer it takes to comprehend the funnier it may appear. The context is crucial -e.g. cross-referencing sporting terms with sex or war injects relief and humour into hazardous and delicate situations: e.g. long ball game 1. In football, a series of aimless pokes in the direction of the box in the hope of scoring. 2. In bed, a series of aimless pokes in the direction of the box in the hope of scoring.

Rhyming slang euphemism has a long and glorious connection with many parts of the UK and, by extension, the Commonwealth countries where it has evolved a life of its own. Too large a subject for this blog entry, suffice it to say that for many of us, the prospect of staying at home for a Tommy Tank usually does not involve the Rev W Awdry in any way, shape or form.²⁹

Euphemistic acronyms appear to be heavily used by Americans, Whitehall mandarins and aspiring ESF teachers. After all, why use a lengthy phrase when a string of first letters creates the full meaning. There are pages and pages of these codes that appear to make our desciptive life easier (once we know what they mean). Often seen as a little crass, they are now generally less direct or inventive than aforetimes -compare the majestic FUBAR³⁰ and glorious SNAFU³¹ of the 1940s with George Bush's stinking TWAT.³² Some may actually take longer to enunciate than the string of words they replaced -try World Wide Web then WWW. And here in glorious Hong Kong there have been more opportunities than I care to mention when the long-established, and sometimes painfully true, FILTHK³³ has been oh-so appropriately employed when used to describe the lucky-but-meritocratically-challenged.

There is no end in sight for the honest euphemism. Long may it remain in the hands of the people. Democratically-appointed by the masses, they are the last bastions of free criticism that cannot be silenced by any censorship.

So remember, next time Aslan's on the move³⁴ and you might have to play the Bangladeshi bagpipes,³⁵ or your gentleman's friend³⁶ is decidedly unfriendly and the wife's taken to playing the invisible banjo,³⁷ allow your euphemisms full flow. And remember, a euphemistic library is an arsenal of liberty!

Please add your own euphemistic utterances by comment below.

¹ The trots -a run to the lav whilst shouting, "please help me, dear lord baby Jesus, that spicy pad thai has given me an awful case of the trots"

² Turkish two-step -a somewhat urgent charming Anatolian dance

³ Place of safety -the lav

⁴ Trouser trumpet -a loud, but musical, breaking of wind

⁵ Brad Pitt -do I have to spell this? Wife: "ello darlin hows your day bin"? Husband: "Not bad luv, an' I'll tell yer 'bout it inna minute, but I'm burstin ferra Brad."

⁶ Jocks -male briefs

⁷ Fartoodeetood -an amusing, burbling, polyphonic flatulent outburst that sounds not unlike a certain Star Wars robot's indecipherables

⁸ Magician's Hanky -excretions that just keep going and going, like the endless knotted cloths pulled from conjurer's hats

⁹ Kakatoa -the ultimate in explosive effluence

¹⁰ Load of old shoes falling out a loft, like a -descriptive of a heavy bout of loose, lively diarrhoea.

¹¹Fly off the handle -lose one's temper

¹² Given the old heave-ho  -termination of employment

¹³ Bite the Bullet -to stoically face the situation

¹⁴ Asleep in Jesus -being in a condition non-conducive to life

¹⁵ Look down one's nose -to act with disdain

¹⁶ Giving a wide berth -steering clear, a nautical term

¹⁷ Women's weapons -tears, "let not women's weapons, water-drops, Stain my man's cheeks." King Lear Act 2, Scene 2

¹⁸ Beast with two backs -copulation, "I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs." Othello Act 1, Scene 1

¹⁹ Bun in the oven -pregnant

²⁰ Being in the altogether -naked

²¹ Feck! -Irish. See 18. Need I really explain this?

²² Being economical with the truth -as infamously employed by Robert Armstrong during the Spycatcher trial of 1986 

²³ To be letched after -ogled

²⁴ Mr Bond -a particularly buoyant turd that returns to the surface even after flushing. "Ah, so we meet again, Mr Bond"

²⁵ On the ball -those ready to run on the balls of their feet (apparently)

²⁶ Doing your business -well, that depends what your business is...

²⁷ Fate worse than death - As Charles Hawtree as the Duke de Pomme-Frites in Carry On Don't Lose Your Head says, "Oh I've tried that -it's not as bad as everyone says"

²⁸ Discussing Uganda -see 18

²⁹ Tommy tank -committing the sin of onanation

³⁰ FUBAR -Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

³¹ SNAFU -Situation Normal, All Fucked Up

³² TWAT -The War Against Terror

³³ FILTHK -Failed in London Try Hong Kong

³⁴ Aslan's is on the move -something to say the day after a big curry, when your stomach emits a huge roar and you have to run to the crapper before your entire digestive system ends up in your underpants like a big steaming pile of wildebeest entrails (entire quote from Roger's Profanosaurus)

³⁵ Bangladeshi bagpipes -quaint Bengali musical tradition

³⁶ Gentleman's friend -your source of solace and comfort (whichever sex)

³⁷ Playing the invisible banjo -George Formby-style female self-amusement

Maltesers Besieged by Turkish Delight

Sometimes one may hear a book review and instantly hurry out to get a copy only for it to dustily languish on the shelves. At other times an unlikely title may unexpectedly fall into the lap and be voraciously consumed. Such was The Great Siege:Malta 1565 by Ernie Bradford, a fiery tale of the 1565 Ottoman attempt to conquer Malta and defeat the chivalrous Knights of St John. Voltaire may have quipped that "nothing is more well known than the siege of Malta", but I was as ignorant as an ignoramus too stupid to know it was St Ignoramus's Day.


A splendid romp, this little penguin edition was owned by me poor old Ma –Gawd only knows why: perhaps it was her intention, but as far as I know she never visited Malta. The writer, Ernie Bradford (who looked a bit like me Dad), had a bit of an adventurous life himself, seeing action in the Med during the war, then sailing it and completing the odd book now and then. He truly nailed his colours to the mast, on several occasions declaring Muslims 'the enemy' and the Templar Kinghts to be the good stout legendary fellows that saw 'em off! My other gripe is that his sources are all English, French, and Italian. Thus, apart from a few menacing quips from the Sultan (""Janisarries forward!" Mustapha Ordered." is about the limit), we are left deaf to 50% of the story other than by western-orientated proxy.


Leaving all these pragmatics aside, the 1961-written saga follows the extraordinary and quite miraculous defence of the main harbour of the island against a huge seaborne invasionary force of possibly as many as 40,000 Turks, Algerians and Janissaries. The 8,000 defenders that held out for more than three months during the summer of 1565 is as much a testament to religious zealotry as it is to superhuman endurance, for their fanatical adherence to fundamentalist Catholicism combined with spectacular leadership of the ultra-heroic Jean Parisot de Valetta made this encounter truly cosmic in scope –what was a stake was nothing other than the existence of Christendom and the future of the West!


Malta as part of the Kingdom of Sicily had at the time been in the care of the Kings of Aragon and thus the majority of concerns were more about protecting growing Imperial Spanish interests than protection from piratical corsairs. As a piece of the European chessboard it may, of itself, have not been a source of power, but it came to be a symbol that enabled much in terms of Iberian expansion and pride. All eyes were raised towards this terrible siege; if Malta fell then the Christians would have no base to raid the rich Ottoman shipping lines across northern Africa, Malta would become the springboard for the inevitable Ottoman re-conquest of Sicily, the Mediterranean would become an Ottoman lake and Western civilization would be doooomed... Even protestant Queen Elizabeth I declared Malta a "bulwark of the faith" (whatever that is).


One has to remember that patriotism, the nation state and all that jingoistic nonsense did not quite exist in the same manner as understood at the end of the 19th century or even today. In retrospect these religious wars, fought for potentate or sultan, appear to us barbaric and pointless –few of us share their world views (thank God! -that's a little jokel, btw). But perhaps under the surface, as evinced by the author, age-old allegiances appear to span the centuries. Should the time come, would we answer the call to man the barricades or storm the castle walls?


de Valette fought with distinction against the Turks when their island paradise of Rhodes was captured. In 1557 he was elected the leader of the Order of St John on their new island fortress of Malta. A dashing polyglot (and there aren't many of them!), he had previously been captured and learned Turkish as a galley slave. In his 70s by the time of the siege, he held the island by careful planning as much as by excellent strategy and his men did not suffer the withering bouts of disease or plague that the encamped Turkish forces fared. Never caught off-guard, he was a cunning leader who clearly knew how to guide men's hearts when the walls were breached and the odds became near-overwhelming. He commanded such respect that he could order men to their deaths and they would willingly go. Thus the isolated fortress of St Elmo held out for many weeks longer than expected and cost thousands of Turkish casualties in its storming, but despite its’ eventual loss significantly turned the tide of the war. Eventually the Turks beheaded the last defenders, tied their bodies to crucifixes and floated them across the bay. In response la Valetta had the Turkish prisoners decapitated and shot their heads back into the captured fortress by cannon. It was that kind of conflict.


The Knights of Malta, who had the distinction of defending the island, came from all over Christendom. Their religious vocation combined with militaristic zeal meant that their origin in defending the pilgrims to Jerusalem was a thing of the medieval past. Answerable only to the pope, by the mid-16th century, many courts of Europe admired their prowess, but also saw them as rich adventurers slightly beyond their grasp and therefore a potential worry. The Order only admitted those of noble birth, although others could join without holding position. From our vantage point it seems ridiculous that such an organisation with such an admission system could ever exist.


The ferocious and fearless Janissaries, the term meant new soldiers ('Yeniçeri' in Turkish), were, as Bradford writes, 'one of the most extraordinary inventions of the Ottoman Empire. It is fair to call them an 'Invention', for they were unlike any type of soldier known to history... none of them were Turkish by birth. All were children of Christian parents who lived within the confines of the Ottoman Empire.' Family prestige, good pay and handsome rewards for loyalty were in the offing. Once converted, these formidable warriors were usually the deciding force of a battle, rushing in to breaches of siege walls, storming battlements and generally doing derring-dos.


I knew very little of this seminal age before picking up this nice little outing. The conflict that it describes is of the Baron Münchhausen-moustaches-and-funny-headgear sort and may have looked more glamorous than anything since.  Certainly before the deafening booms of the first bronze cannons tirade over the richly-coloured pennants and flapping standards, a panoply of eastern musical instruments accompanied the steady and intimidating march of the bejewelled and plumed Turkish troops towards the front. It was a time of clouds of sulphurous black powder, of gleaming billowing robes, of suits of highly-polished armour glinting in the sun, of massive slave-rowed galleys carving their ways through transparent azure waters.


The people of Malta were so thankful to la Valetta for saving their island that in his honour they named the new city built overlooking the harbour. The Knights set themselves up as the protectors of the Christian sea highways in the Med and tried to limit the corsair activity (by becoming piratical themselves). To this day the order of St John is the oldest surviving order of chivalry –the Sovereign Military Order of Malta being recognised by 104 countries and the United Nations. It still has an active role as helpers of the sick, of war and famine and we know it foremost through the St John Ambulance.


Above all, this little book opened the eyes to feats of astonishing bravery on both sides. It left its mark, served as a reminder of the ongoing clash of civilizations and isa jolly good read, to boot!

How much for your kidney?

Having just watched the long-awaited and fairly well acted X-Men: First Class, the Memsahib and meself visited the Festival Walk Broadway (one of the few big chain of Elec/Tech stores here not in the all-pervasive octopus-like grip of Li Ka Shing) and spied many-a gleaming Appley product. All these things are much cheaper now than even two or three years ago and, although Apple maintain that they are clean and green, it's no secret that this is down to Foxxconn's questionable labour practices: employee coercion, suicides, explosions and other horrors have been frequently reported. How much is too cheap?

Anyway, I 'needed' to buy an expensive cover for my new iPhone 4. This product is, of course, precious-ish and I want to keep it from acquiring scratches whilst in my pocket (I'd still like to know how that bloody happens). But I'm not sure I'd go as far in my desire to have such things as a youthinasia (not euthanasia -ha, that's my hilarious little GCSE jokel) wot sold his kidney for an i-Pad and iPhone. I cannot think of a reason to sell my kidney for anything, but then I've never been that desperate. A few years ago I was deeply moved when a friend donated one of his to an old military buddy. I probably speak for many when I say that I would most likely do the same for a loved one. Gratis.

The full BBC report says that you too can give your kidney to a worthy cause for a mere $3,392, even though the practice has been made illegal in China since 2007. Always ready to exploit an opportunity, kidney purchasers (apart from the Hannibal Lecter liver-loving kind) have been doing the world a great service in freeing the people of Nepal, India and other impoverished places of their unwanted kidneys and exchanging them with these vast sums of cash (as far as the recipients are concerned) -sometimes even as much as the lucky Chinese chap currently in the news. This link to a peculiar 'blog' (part-Russian/part-Indian) puts you in contact with unlucky Indians who have opted for cash over kidney.

Of course, trading human kidneys in China has been a long-profitable trade often sanctioned through the complicity of corrupt officials. This trade, however, is not limited to wealth-challenged countries, but also includes the far-flung reaches of Lancashire. 

So there you have it, some people think electronic products are better than their own urinary system. I suppose it's all a matter of values -it's legal in Iran! It's unlikely this trade will ever disappear altogether and some say the process should be legalised and monitored. Should we be allowed to do what we wish with our own bodies? What price could we put on our various parts? How much for one of your eyes, your lungs, your other choicest inner parts? Would cannibals be allowed to bid? Perhaps we should harvest them as a matter of course, hand out iPads and put the objectors in a Chinese jail...